* Spoilers are highlighted like so :)
“Hoodlums punch my face
I would smite them if I could
Mortality blows”
“I visited my wrath upon Britney Spears at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards.”
“Is anything sadder than the sound of a god hitting a pile of garbage bags?”
“Zeus needed someone to blame, so of course he’d picked the handsomest, most talented, most popular god in the pantheon: me.”
“I stood up straight, hoping Cade and Mikey would be intimidated by my regal bearing and divine beauty. (Surely those qualities could not be taken from me, no matter what my driver’s license photo looked like.)”
“She reminded me of the strays my sister was always adopting: dogs, panthers, homeless maidens, small dragons.”
“Immortal gods do not get acne. It is one of our inalienable rights.”
“It’s very irritating how quickly you mortals die.”
“Seven-layer dip
Chocolate chip cookies in blue
I love this woman.”
“Sure it is,” Percy said. “Some of the best demigods have gotten their start by blowing up toilets.”
“It was lovely meeting you both. Please try not to die.”
“For a moment, I was too stunned to speak. And believe me, I have to be very stunned for that to happen.”
“This is a Catch-88, which is four times as bad.”
“Is your plan to avoid a fight by dying in a traffic accident?” I demanded.”
“Yep,” Percy agreed. “That pretty much describes my entire life: Because Poseidon.”
“I’ve seen men turn into snakes, ants turn into men, and otherwise rational people dance the macarena.”
“Crotchkicker McCaffrey.”
“You simply can’t do much with a kiddie pool brain.”
“Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills.”
“Will turned to me. “I apologize for my boyfriend.” Nico rolled his eyes. “Could you not—” “Would you prefer special guy?” Will asked. “Or significant other?” “Significant annoyance, in your case,” Nico grumbled.”
“Will and Nico sat shoulder to shoulder, bantering good-naturedly. They were so cute together it made me feel desolate.”
“And vaya con queso… I believe he is admonishing us to go with cheese, which is always sound advice.”
“I couldn’t recall the last time someone had cared about me enough to curse my enemies with rhyming couplets.”
“Stupid brilliant inventors.”
“We’ll watch out for him,” Austin said. “We’re all he’s got now.”
“I managed to master the arcane mysteries of the shower, the toilet, and the sink.”
“Oh, gods— bacon! I promised myself that once I achieved immortality again, I would assemble the Nine Muses and together we would create an ode, a hymnal to the power of bacon, which would move the heavens to tears and cause rapture across the universe. Bacon is good.”
“Oh, why does college have to happen to perfectly good people?”
“I’m too old to be sixteen again!”
“It was still evil, designed to kill. It was just a little subtler about its homicides now.”
“I had to find my children… my friends.”
“Never stop inventing, son of Hephaestus.”
“Not all monsters were three-ton reptiles with poisonous breath. Many wore human faces.”
“Could human brains explode from too many worrisome thoughts?”
“Plus I need a free hand for slapping when you act stupid.”
“But it’s a combat ukulele.”
“I often got sword fighting and tennis confused.”
“I grabbed the instrument, rolled onto my back, and belted out “Sweet Caroline.”
“Show yourself, you cowardly telemarketer!”
“I’d need a miracle. And as a god, I can tell you that those are never distributed lightly.”
“He’s talking to the flowers,” Nico noted. “Is that normal?”
“I turned my face to the sky. “If you want to punish me, Father, be my guest, but have the courage to hurt me directly, not my mortal companion. BE A MAN!”
“I’ve found that when one is searching for danger, it’s never hard to find.”
“I’ve learned that if you act like you are supposed to be somewhere, most people (or ants) will not confront you.”
“I don’t think she had expected to be rapped to today.”
“I am immortal on Wikipedia!”
“After all these centuries, Zephyros had accepted my apology.”
“I discovered I had some tears left after all.”
“But only the deadliest prophecies are couched in the form of a limerick.”
“Actually… I don’t need you to fight. I need you to lay down a beat.”
“You’re the best mama in the whole world,” I added, “and you look lovely today.”
“Good luck! I’m going to get the Lord of Darkness here some Gatorade!”
“I believe,” I said, “the Colossus sneezed his head off.”
“We only have one life, but we can choose what kind of story it’s going to be.”
“For that matter, I never anticipated Percy Jackson and Rachel Elizabeth Dare.”
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