Bibliognome: What has been the strangest errand you’ve ever done?
Narrator: Okay, so this one time I get two jobs in a day. The first one was from the Little Green Men, telling me I have to go out and convince this abductee the UFO he saw was swamp gas or something. The second one is from the Feds, telling me I have to go out and convince this abductee this swamp gas he saw was a UFO. Here's the kicker: it's the same guy.
So I show up and do my MiB act. I'm wearing the dark suit, the shades, the pancake
makeup and I'm talking like a nearsighted dyslexic reading cue cards on a bad episode of
SNL. He buys it.
I wait an hour, wash the makeup off in a Burger King bathroom, lose the hat, and go back
to the guy's house. And this time, I do my Fed act, which is basically Dan Aykroyd on a
good episode of SNL, sort of one part Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute and one part Elwood
Blues. I'm in the same suit. I'm wearing the same shades. I wasn't in a mask either time.
And the guy totally buys it! I have no idea what the fallout of that one was, but I got paid
Bibliognome: Which society/organization do you think is the most interesting to work for?
Narrator: "Interesting" is usually a negative in my line of work, since there's nothing that grabs one's interest quite as much as a death threat. That being said, I'd probably say the Flat Earthers are my favorites, just because they're fighting a losing battle. Everyone knows the earth is round. And hollow.
Bibliognome: What exactly does V.E.N.U.S. stand for?
Narrator: Please, there are ladies present.
Bibliognome: Were axolotls your first choice to have as a pet? Did you name the axolotls, and if so, what?
Narrator: Truth be told, I always wanted a monkey, but I get enough poop-throwing at work.
I never named the axolotls, because I felt like it should be something Aztec, and my
Nahuatl really isn't up to the task.
Bibliognome: In your line of work, what have you been the most surprised by?
Narrator: The unfailing politeness of the Canadian people.
Bibliognome: What alias/name do you enjoy using the most?
Narrator: I had just seen Bubba Ho-Tep right before I started working for the Brotherhood of the Magic Bullet, so they think my name is Elvis Kennedy.
Bibliognome: Seeing as my blog’s called Bibliognome, I was wondering if you’ve ever run into any gnomes or, if you haven’t, what do you think the perfect name for a gnome would be?
Narrator: The Gnomes of Zurich aren't real gnomes, but the Knights of the Lawn are. Let's see... I'd probably call a gnome Snuggywinkle Butterpants or something.
Bibliognome: What should people be more scared of, a primordial dwarf Satanist or the Templars on a bad day?
Narrator: The Templar haven't had a good day since the twelfth century, so I'm going with Paul on this one. He's the dwarf.
Bibliognome: Are you more of a fan of cryptids now after your recent problems?
Narrator: Some are better than others. I still wouldn't invite a chupacabra over for dinner.
Bibliognome: What are your plans for the future?
Narrator: I'm thinking about lunch at the moment.
Bibliognome: Anything else that you would like to say/let people know?
Narrator: Yeah, I just wanted to thank everyone out there who hasn't tried to kill me. I want you guys to know I really appreciate it.