Wednesday, November 14, 2018

My Life as a Fictional Librarian: Special Program for Clowns

My Life as a Fictional Librarian

All was pretty normal until things started to get a little bit fictional. I know sounds like a tagline for a bad romantic comedy or action movie, but believe me this is no normal library.

I had of course heard of special libraries but this was a special squared kind of library.

The Beginning:

I was just out of college and needed a job ASAP. The problem is though they tell you that all these librarians are gearing up to retire, they never do. I had been on more than a couple of interviews and still nothing. One day while perusing the internet I saw one of those ads that just pop up it said:

Are you teeming with a plethora of potential? Do you get along with all sorts of people and personalities? Are you patient as well as good at teaching computer skill? If these all pertain to you then apply today to the Thaddeus Molehill Learning Library.

After so much failure I thought, hey why not try this out. After I sent my application in things started to get interesting fast…

Getting to the Interview:

I received a very fancy letter (it was actually closed with a wax seal.) After asking myself what this was all about because who heard of wax seals being used on anything anymore? I would soon come to learn that the Thaddeus Molehill Library was a myriad of very old school along with the new technology. When I got to the library I was greeted at the front desk by a rather short man with a prodigious beard.

It turns out that the guy’s name is Neil and he’s a Special Projects Library Assistant. He tells me to wait right there and the committee will be ready to meet with me shortly. Then five minutes later this chanting starts and a door down the hall just pops open. As I walk towards the door I think to myself, “What exactly did I apply for?”

The Interview:

When I walked in the room, there was a large table with five rather unique souls sitting around it. The first was a man in a full suit of armor, the second was a woman who seemed to be actually glowing a bit, the third was a very short man with a tremendously full beard, the fourth was a lady who seemed to be covered in a variety of flowers, and last but not least was a large man who I swear seemed to be made out of stone.

For a second I thought maybe I’d eaten a bad sandwich or something but then the stone guy stood up and introduced himself as the Director of the Library, Gregory Goyle. I am apparently very good at keeping a poker face or I went into a kind of trance because I started answering all their questions without batting an eye.

First Day of Work:

Today I figured out that to clock in I have to actually punch the time clock… Apparently this place loves being literal. I walked in the door and saw a gold clock actually go running by and then the Director yells, “Don’t let Kronos get away, you have to punch him!” I caught it and lightly punched it only to hear an automated voice say, “Now Clocked In.”

After that going to my desk seemed perfectly normal, then the first patron of the day walked in… Everything seemed normal when he went to the study table. A couple of minutes later though I heard a tea kettle whistle and noticed that a whole formal tea had appeared on the table and my coworkers were nowhere to be seen.

This is how I was introduced to Mr. Haber, a problem patron that many on staff don't like to deal with. I on the other hand thought he was very charming if not a bit odd. He started quizzing me on types of tea and then I helped him find a nice website where he could order all the tea his heart desired. After he left I turned around and saw everybody staring at me, then one of my fellow assistants said, "Wow, the new hire has skills."

Lost and Found:

Today a girl came to pick up her red hoodie from our lost and found. Then things got a little weird. I turned around to pick it up and the box was gone then when I turned again I saw just the sleeve sticking out so I pulled and then I heard a growling sound. After dropping it, out from under the desk bounds what looks like a small wolf holding the hoodie. After screaming the girl just looked at me and said, “Don’t worry about Wolfy he just wants to play.”

Special Program for Clowns:

The things I didn’t know before joining this very special library are vast but today was something special. I learned that there are more clown types than I thought possible and probably gathered up a plethora of nightmare fuel while I was at it.

I was put in charge of this program because I'm new and everyone else doesn't deal so well with these patrons.  The goal is to train Clowns, not clowns mind you but Clowns with a capital C. Believe me, there are no humans under these Clown’s makeup. The most positive outcome of the day was convincing many of them not to sharpen their teeth.

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