“Jesus gave me this book when he was done with it, saying, “You have got to read this shit, Kevin. It’s fucking fantastic.” Jesus is terrible with names. —ERNEST HEMINGWAY”
“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well, but only one whose face I want to peel off and wear around my parlor. Lock thy door, Mrs. Lawson —JANE AUSTEN”
“Everyone has human heads in their closet.”
“I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.”
“My new mantra was “Decorum is highly overrated and probably causes cancer.”
“It’s the difference between “taking a shower” and “teaching your monkey butler how to shampoo your hair.”
“Are asparaguses just artichokes that haven’t grown properly? Like they started smoking and got really skinny, like supermodels?”
“Benedict Cumberbatch is like Alan Rickman Benjamin Buttoning.”
“He is the worst and best Patronus ever, and I want to be just like him when I grow up.”
“Pretend you’re good at it.”
“George Washington’s Dildo.” (I had a whole coughing laugh fit after reading this title...)
“Or maybe in my next life I’ll open a deli that specializes in mashed potato sandwiches (mashed potatoes and tater tots stuffed inside warm potato bread)”
“That Alanis Morissette song sort of fucked up irony for everyone.”
“Also, I just realized that men get stiletto knives and women get stiletto shoes. This whole thing is fucked. Thanks for nothing feminism.”
“Surprise! You’re at a funeral! It was the closest I’d ever been to a surprise party, but with more corpses that I would have expected.” (this quote reminds me of the time I went to my first open casket funeral and was very surprised to find out that from the first day to the next they had wheeled the deceased out to the front hallway instead of where he was the day before...)
“‘TINY BABIES STILL AT LARGE. PROTECT YOURSELF FROM TINY BABIES.’”
“Depression is like … when you don’t want cheese anymore. Even though it’s cheese.”
“And there can’t be me without my demon.”
“The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.”
“I’m made from a lot of unfulfilled arson. And un-jumped-on koala piles.”
“You can’t just leave boomerangs out in the open and expect people not to throw them. It’s like Australian entrapment.”
“Fuck it. Someone get me a scale. And a mountain. And a helicopter. And some cheeses.”
“Is it still literally your ass if your ass is in your lips? These are the things they never teach you in journalism school.”
“Merry Maids doesn’t look for dead cats.”
“On the way in here I saw a cloud that looked like a skull. My first thought? Death Eaters.”
“That’s the bad thing about talking to someone whose face is slightly paralyzed. You never know if they’re leaning toward you for a hug or to punch you in the neck.”
“I’m caught in a Mark Twain shame-spiral.”
“Boredom makes you rely on your own imagination, or makes you realize how little you have.”
“Kids totally understand you. So much more than you want them to.”
“It might be easier. But it wouldn’t be better.”
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